To The Bone

Nama Lily Collins sebenarnya udah sering aku dengar, tapi aku nggak begitu penasaran sama sosoknya. Satu filmnya yang aku tahu adalah Mirror Mirror, tapi itu pun belum sempat aku tonton. Barusan aku ngecek Wikipedia, ternyata aku udah nonton beberapa film yang juga dibintangi dia. Kayaknya wajah dia nggak begitu nempel di otakku ya, lol.

Waktu seorang teman baca biografinya Lily Collins, aku mulai penasaran lagi sama sosoknya. Makanya, begitu ada film To The Bone di Netflix, di mana Lily Collins menjadi bintang utamanya, aku langsung download. Apalagi filmnya berkisah tentang gangguan makan yaitu, anorexia. Menurut Wikipedia, kisah di film tersebut berdasarkan pengalaman sutradaranya, Marti Noxon. Lily Collins pun katanya pernah mengidap penyakit tersebut.

Di sini tubuh Lily Collins benar-benar kurus. Aku antara percaya dan nggak percaya ketika melihat tubuh Lily sesaat sebelum ditimbang. Serius dia rela menguruskan badan sampai sedrastis itu demi peran di film ini? Atau ada efek tertentu biar kelihatan jauh lebih kurus dari aslinya? Memang sih ada yang nekat menguruskan tubuh sekurus-kurusnya demi akting. Contohnya, Christian Bale di film The Machinist. Tapi… aku nggak tega kalau pelakunya cewek. Apalagi cewek itu punya histori mengidap penyakit tersebut. Takutnya penyakit itu balik lagi. Kan kasihan.

Buat pengetahuan soal anorexia, film ini benar-benar mencerahkan. Yang awalnya cuma tahu sedikit, yaitu sebatas ketakutan mereka untuk makan dan kejelian mereka soal jumlah kalori dalam suatu makanan/minuman, aku mendapat pengetahuan tambahan dari film ini. Apa yang dipaparkan pun benar-benar hal baru. Contoh khususnya, Lily yang berperan sebagai Ellen, suka banget sit-up berlebihan sampai tulang punggungnya memar. Dia juga sering mengukur lengannya memakai ibu jari dan telunjuk supaya nggak melebihi standar yang dia mau. Anorexia pun membuat Ellen mengidap Lanugo, yaitu tumbuhnya rambut berlebih di lengannya sebagai upaya alami tubuh untuk menghangatkan diri.

Kehidupan di rehab pun digambarkan dengan baik. Dokter dan terapisnya udah tahu banyak soal trik-trik para pengidap gangguan makan tersebut. Makanya di setiap kamar nggak boleh dipasang pintu supaya ketahuan aktivitas para pasien, apakah mereka olah raga berlebihan atau enggak. Tapi tetap aja sih ada pasien bulimia yang mengumpulkan muntahannya di sebuah plastik yang ditaruh di kolong tempat tidur. Di tempat rehab itu pun selalu diadakan konseling dan ajang curhat.

Yang menurutku kurang dari film ini adalah penyebab utama anorexia yang diidap Ellen. Memang sih Dokter Beckham (Keanu Reeves) bilang susah untuk menggali itu, karena penyebabnya bisa banyak. Aku awalnya mengira ini ada hubungannya dengan ayah Ellen. Tapi Ellen nggak pernah buka suara soal ayahnya (seingatku begitu). Atau bisa jadi karena dianggap menjadi salah satu penyebab bunuh dirinya seorang cewek. Cewek tersebut katanya terpengaruh oleh gambar-gambar yang Ellen buat dan posting di Tumblr. Bisa jadi juga karena ibunya yang menjalin hubungan sesama jenis. Whew! So, mungkin memang benar penyebabnya banyak. Tapi… sekali lagi, aku berharap banget penulis skenarionya memberikan alasan yang jelas soal gangguan makan Ellen.

Meski dia berasal dari keluarga broken home, ibu sambungnya, Susan (Carrie Preston) cukup perhatian sama Ellen. Adik sambungnya pun, Kelly (Liana Liberato), sayang banget sama Ellen. Cuma terkadang perkataan Susan agak nggak bijak untuk dikatakan sama seseorang yang jiwanya labil seperti Ellen. Tapi kelihatannya Ellen udah kebal dan agak apatis sama kehidupan. Dia nggak pernah menanggapi secara berlebihan ucapan ibu sambungnya.

Sama seperti film remaja dengan penyakit lainnya, film To The Bone pun dibumbui dengan kisah cinta antara Ellen dan Luke (Alex Sharp). Karakter Luke nggak jauh beda dengan karakter cowok lainnya, contohnya Gus di film The Fault in Our Stars. Kenekatan mereka ditengah penyakit yang mereka idap menjadi salah satu kisah romansa di antara mereka.

To The Bone (38)

Bagian yang paling menyentuh hati dari film ini adalah ketika Judy (Lili Taylor) menawarkan pada Ellen untuk memberikannya susu melalui dot sambil menimangnya layaknya seorang ibu yang menimang bayi. Sewaktu Judy mengungkapkan idenya tersebut, aku sempat mengira adegannya pasti bakalan lucu. Namun begitu hal tersebut mereka praktekan, aku terharu banget, nyaris nangis. Mungkin selama ini Ellen cuma butuh kasih sayang seorang ibu. Dan mungkin ini pula yang sesungguhnya menjadi alasan utama Ellen menjadi pengidap anorexia.

To The Bone (22)

***

 

MY FINE LINE

 

 

“It’s like, every time you turn on the TV or look at a magazine, it’s, “Oh, my God, this cake is so delicious.” And, like, your reward on something. And then, you turn the page, and there’s some sad, fat “before” girl, and she’s all, “I hate myself.” And then, the thin “after” girl goes, “I did this diet, and now I’m happy, and everyone loves me.” What about the chocolate cake? It’s like they’re trying to drive us crazy.”

(Penny)

 

“Society’s to blame. The world is so unfair. I have to die.” There’s no point in blaming everybody. Live with it.”

(Ellen)

 

“Oh, my God. Its like you have calorie Asperger’s.”

(Kelly)

 

“You know that I love you like a full sister, but you look like absolute crap. And every time I ask you why you do this, I always get some stupid non-answer from you.”

(Kelly)

 

“I’ve got it under control. Nothing’s bad gonna happen.”

(Ellen)

 

“Susan, my stepmom, has a reality problem. You get one letter, you have a crazy fan.”

(Ellen)

 

Dialogue:

Susan: She said she was taking the anti-depressants, but she’d been flushing them down the toilet. She was afraid they would make her gain weight. And I know, she has a right to lash out. Her mother Judy, she is a bipolar lesbian.
Ellen: That is not why—
Susan: Judy has had several breakdowns, hospitalizations. Poor Ellen had to call us one time because her mother was writing her own bible on the walls. Judy came out when Ellen was 13. The child is going through puberty, and overnight, she’s got two moms? Traumatic. It has got to have something to do with the weight and—
Dr. Beckham: Sounds rough. But looking for one reason is a losing battle. It’s never that simple.
Susan: Absolutely. I say that to her father all the time. He blames himself. Now, I think throwing Ellen into the deep end, real life… might do her some good. My family was on welfare. We had nothing.
Dr.Beckham: Okay, thank you. I think I got it.

 

“You know how sharks have to keep swimming or they’ll die? She’s kinda like that with talking.”

(Ellen)

 

Lanugo. Your body’s trying to keep you warm by making more hair.”

(Dr. Beckham)

 

“I talk to kids like you all day, every day. So, I know that you are, as a rule, full of shit. You’re not thin. You scare people. And I’m guessing you like that. But the way that you’re going, one day, you won’t wake up. And I’m not going to treat you if you aren’t interested in living.”

(Dr. Beckham)

 

“Jesus, Mom. Just because her mom is gay does not mean that she’s gay.”

(Kelly)

 

“That’s why we don’t have any doors. They know we’d jog around the room all day if nobody could see us. It’d be like the Rexie Olympics up in here.”

(Pearl)

 

“I know, Isn’t that fantastic? Nobody can keep up with me.”

(Luke)

 

“When the exercise and the rituals kick in and… the cyclical thoughts about weight take over, everything else goes away. And starving yourself can make you feel euphoric, like a drug addict or an alcoholic. It’s not about “thin enough”, right? There’s no “thin enough.” It doesn’t exist. What you crave is the numbing of the thing that you don’t wanna feel. And we give you a lot of rope here. It’s scary, but only you can decide… to see what’s good, to be alive.”

(Karen)

 

“I’m sorry… that I’m not a person anymore. I’m a problem. And it’s all my fault.”

(Ellen)

 

“Fuck fault. Fault and blame have no place here. Only how you wanna live, moving forward. Who you wanna be.”

(Dr. Beckham)

 

“If you die… I will kill you.”

(Kelly)

 

Dialogue

Luke: Cigarette for dinner. That’s not gonna get you points.
Ellen: Not in the mood.
Luke: Okay.
Ellen: And who in hell made you house den mother? You walk around here like you’ve got it all figured out. Well, if you’re so fixed and special, why don’t you go back to New Jersey or London or wherever the fuck you’re from?
Luke: I am going back, as soon as my BMI’s closer to my age. But right now, I’d rather try and help people than mope about feeling sorry for myself.
Ellen: You have no idea how I’m feeling.
Luke: I never said I did.
Ellen: And what? You wanna help people? What are you, a doctor now? You feel pretty proud of yourself?
Luke: Yeah, I am, actually. I’m moving the needle in the right direction. Sorry if that scares you. But people actually go home sometimes and have a life, even people with fucked-up families. Yeah. There goes that fucking excuse again, huh?

 

Dialogue

Luke: In my defense, though, I’ve been running on empty for so long that when I actually eat now, I get this crazy burst of energy.
Ellen: That’s why you’re so weird.
Luke: I’m always weird. That’s why I’m… assertive.
Ellen: How do you do it? Eat. I mean, I see you, and I just… I get… I get all panicky even thinking about it, like the world is gonna fall apart.
Luke: I feel that way. But you know, feel the fear and do it anyway.
Ellen: Yeah, but aren’t you scared you won’t be able to stop? That you’re just gonna—
Luke: Be like one of those guys who has to be lifted out of his bed with a crane? Yeah, but Dr. Beck says that’s not gonna happen, so…
Ellen: Yeah, but he has to say that.
Luke: Well, he’s pretty straight-up. Plus, I’m not gonna lie, I’m really fuckin’ hungry. Like, two years worth of hungry.

 

“You know what the body burns after there’s no more fat? Muscles. Organ tissue. Pretty soon, you’re gonna be flopping around like a boneless fish.”

(Lobo)

 

“Luke just made me touch chocolate.”

(Ellen)

 

“Tell me it’s not the Holocaust Museum. My mother took me there to make me feel shitty, you know, about starving.”

(Megan)

 

“Yeah, that’s bullshit. That voice that says you can’t. Every time you hear that voice, I want you to tell it to fuck off.”

(Dr. Beckham)

 

“I… I need to do my research. And you… you need to be touched by someone who actually cares about you.”

(Luke)

 

“People say they love you, but they mean is, they love how loving you makes them feel about themselves. Or… Or they love what they can take from you.”

(Ellen)

 

“Listen. Bad things are going to happen. That’s not negotiable. What is, is how you deal with it.”

(Dr. Beckham)

 

Dialogue

Dr. Beckham: There is no point. Or at least, big picture, we don’t get to know what it is. Why we live, why Megan lost the baby, why that girl killed herself.
Ellen: You’re not reassuring me, doctor.”
Dr. Beckham: I can’t reassure you. This idea you have that there’s a way to be safe… it’s childish and cowardly. It stops you from experiencing anything, including anything good.
Ellen: You don’t think I feel bad enough already? I know I’m messed up… but you’re supposed to teach me how not to be.
Dr. Beckham: You know how. Stop waiting for life to be easy. Stop hoping for somebody to save you. You don’t need another person lying to you. Things don’t all add up. But you are resilient. Face some hard facts and you could have an incredible life.”

 

“I just want you to know that… I accept it if… If death is what you want, I accept it now. I accept it, but um… I love you. I just—I can’t keep fighting you.”

(Judy)

 

“Whatever. You do this again, I’m gonna punch you in the vagina.”

(Kelly)

 

 

COURAGE 

By Anne Sexton

It is in the small things that we see it.
The child’s first step, as awesome as an earthquake.
The first time you rode a bike, wallowing up the sidewalk.
The first spanking, when your heart went on a journey all alone.
When they called you ‘crybaby’ or ‘poor’ or ‘fatty’ or ‘crazy’
And made you into an alien…
You drank their acid and you concealed it.
Later, if you faced the death of bombs and bullets
You did not do it with a banner
You did it with only a hat to cover your heart.
You did not fondle the weakness inside you though it was there.
Your courage was a small coal that you kept swallowing.

***

 

 

MY BEST SHOT

 

***

 

 

Sutradara: Marti Noxon

Penulis Skenario: Marti Noxon

Berdasarkan Pengalaman Marti Noxon

Musik: Fil Eisler

Sinematografer: Richard Wong

Desain Kostum: Maria Tortu

Tayang Perdana: 14 Juli 2017

Durasi: 1 Jam 47 Menit

Nonton di: Netflix

Rating: 3½ dari 5 Bintang

Ditulis oleh

Sometimes She's in the Mood for Books, for Movies, for TV Series, for Music, to Write, or Doing Nothing at All and Be DEAD. She Just Goes with Her Own Speed. But Sure She'll Try Her Best to Catch Up with the World.

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